Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
