he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize