i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
