She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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