I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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