we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
