I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
