We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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