Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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