I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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