The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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