he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I need a beard to bite.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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