Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
