Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
