The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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