Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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