So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
