Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
