someone get that fucking seahorse.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
