Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
