How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
