I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
