is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
