If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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