It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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