She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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