Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize