i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
