I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize