My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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