dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
