I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize