o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
