Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
