I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
