legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
