No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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