i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
