The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize