Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
