1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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