I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
