I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
