There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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