I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
