You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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