So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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