I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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