this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
