We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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