he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Less talking, more tequila
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
