My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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