where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
