i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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