Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
