I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
