I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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