Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I can't turn off my feet"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
