1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Randomize
